A Collection of Hilarious Mitch Hedberg Jokes

Step into the comedic realm of Mitch Hedberg, a legendary stand-up comedian renowned for his offbeat humor and deadpan delivery.

In this article, we present a curated selection of Mitch Hedberg’s funniest and most memorable jokes that will leave you chuckling and pondering the absurdities of everyday life.

From his witty observations on mundane tasks to his quirky take on food, relationships, and everything in between, Hedberg’s humor is guaranteed to brighten your day and tickle your funny bone.

Join us as we celebrate the comedic genius of Mitch Hedberg and explore the timeless appeal of his humor that continues to resonate with audiences worldwide.

Mitch Hedberg Quotes

  1. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
  2. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
  3. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  4. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  5. “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the inconvenience.”
  6. “My belt holds up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up the belt. I don’t know what’s really happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
  7. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall down.”
  8. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
  9. “You know, I’m sick of following my dreams, man. I’m just going to ask where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
  10. “I saw a commercial on late-night TV. It said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers.’ So I did. And it was a load off my mind.”
  11. “I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.”
  12. “I like to play blackjack. I’m not addicted to gambling; I’m addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.”
  13. “I don’t have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
  14. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read!”
  15. “I had a job interview at an insurance company once, and the lady said ‘Where do you see yourself in five years?’ I said, ‘Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question!'”
  16. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.”
  17. “I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kebabs.”
  18. “I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
  19. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  20. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  21. “I’d like to see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It’d be so damn literal!”
  22. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.'”
  23. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.”
  24. “I like the FedEx guy because he’s a drug dealer and he doesn’t even know it!”
  25. “I’m against protesting, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  26. I had a parrot. The parrot talked, but it did not say ‘I’m hungry,’ so it died.”
  27. “I got a belt on that’s holding up my pants, and my pants have belt loops that hold up my belt. I don’t know what’s really happening down there. Who is the real hero?”
  28. “I think Bigfoot is blurry; that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me.”
  29. “I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut; I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, and you give me the doughnut… end of transaction.”
  30. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
  31. “I’m cool, but I’m not trying to be a jerk.”
  32. “I like cinnamon rolls; that’s why I wish they made cinnamon roll incense, ’cause I don’t always have time to make a pan.”
  33. I was walking down the street with my friend and he said, ‘I hear music.‘ As if there’s any other way you can take it in. You’re not special; that’s how I receive it too.”

Mitch Hedberg Jokes About Rice

  1. “I like rice. Rice is great when you’re hungry and want two thousand of something.”
  2. “I like rice. Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.”
  3. “You ever tried eating just one grain of rice? I mean, good luck!”
  4. “Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat fifty thousand of something.”
  5. “I got some rice that I don’t even understand. When I see rice, I just want to see rice.”
  6. “I don’t understand rice. I don’t know how to cook it, and I don’t want to.”
  7. “I bought a bag of rice; now I don’t know what to do with it. Maybe I’ll throw it at a wedding.”
  8. “I’m thinking of getting a rice cooker. I hear they’re good for cooking rice.”
  9. “I saw a sign that said ‘Rice in Bulk.’ I thought, ‘That’s what I need. I need a lot of rice.'”
  10. “I like my rice like I like my men: white and fluffy.”
  11. “Rice is weird. You get a lot of it, but it takes forever to cook.”
  12. “I used to eat rice, but then I realized it’s just too much effort.”
  13. “Rice is a good side dish. It’s like the supporting actor of the meal.”
  14. “Rice is great. You boil it, and it’s done. You don’t have to do anything fancy.”
  15. “Rice is like the ultimate sidekick. It’s always there for you, but never steals the spotlight.”
  16. “I love rice. It’s the only food that’s also a game. You ever try to count all the grains in a bowl?”
  17. “Rice is like the blank canvas of the food world. You can do anything with it.”
  18. “I don’t understand people who don’t like rice. It’s like not liking air.”
  19. “Rice is so versatile. You can eat it with anything, or you can eat it by itself. It’s like the Swiss Army knife of food.”
  20. “Rice is the ultimate comfort food. It’s like a warm hug for your stomach.”
  21. “Rice is like a chameleon. It can blend in with any cuisine.”
  22. “I don’t trust people who don’t like rice. What are they hiding?”
  23. “Rice is like the glue that holds the meal together. Without it, you just have a bunch of separate ingredients.”
  24. I like my rice like I like my jokes: short and to the point.
  25. “Rice is like a little piece of heaven in every bite.”
  26. “I love rice. It’s the one food that’s always there for you, no matter what.”
  27. “Rice is the silent hero of the food world. It doesn’t need recognition; it just does its job.”
  28. “Rice is like the unsung hero of the food pyramid.”
  29. “Rice is like the little black dress of food. It goes with everything.”
  30. “I like my rice like I like my jokes: cheesy and satisfying.”
  31. “Rice is like the Forrest Gump of food. It’s simple, but it gets the job done.”
  32. “Rice is like the Rodney Dangerfield of food. It gets no respect, but it’s always there when you need it.”

Mitch Hedberg Jokes

  1. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  2. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  3. “Rice is great when you’re hungry and want 2,000 of something.”
  4. “I like vending machines because snacks are better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at the store, oftentimes, I will drop it, so that it achieves its maximum flavor potential.”
  5. “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You would never see an ‘Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order’ sign, just ‘Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.'”
  6. “I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re going and hook up with them later.”
  7. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that.”
  8. I got an ant farm. Them fellas didn’t grow shit.”
  9. “I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.”
  10. “I don’t own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say ‘Mitch,’ and I say ‘what?’ and turn my head slightly.”
  11. “I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn’t have one. So, I got a cake.”
  12. “I haven’t slept for ten days because that would be too long.”
  13. “My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”
  14. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  15. “I like cinnamon rolls, but I don’t always have the time to make a pan. That’s why I wish they would sell cinnamon roll incense. After all, I’d rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.”
  16. “I got into an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That’s a bad place for an argument because I tried to walk out and slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zipper it up quick?”
  17. “I wear a necklace now because I like to know when I’m upside down.”
  18. “I’m cool with failing so long as I know that there are people out there who believe in me. Because then I don’t care about failing, because they believe in me and that’s cool. But if no one believes in me, then I’m gonna make it.”
  19. “I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that… day.”
  20. “I saw a commercial on late-night TV that said, ‘Forget everything you know about slipcovers!’ So, I did. And it was a load off my mind.”
  21. “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.”
  22. “I don’t have a girlfriend, but I do know a woman who’d be mad at me for saying that.”
  23. “I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way too literal for me.”
  24. “I like refried beans. That’s why I want to try fried beans because maybe they’re just as good and we’re just wasting time.”
  25. “I want to hang a map of the world in my house and then put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so it won’t fall.”
  26. “I went to the store to buy a candle holder, but they didn’t have one. So, I got a cake.”
  27. “I don’t have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would get mad if she heard me say that.”
  28. “Every book is a children’s book if the kid can read.”
  29. “You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, ‘See if you can blow this out.'”
  30. “When someone hands you a flyer, it’s like they’re saying, ‘Here, you throw this away.'”
  31. “I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.”
  32. “I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.
  33. “I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here.”
  34. You know that Pepperidge Farm bread? That stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then it still ain’t open. That’s why I don’t buy it. I don’t need another step between me and toast.”

Final Words

Mitch Hedberg’s jokes are like little nuggets of comedic gold, each one delivering a punchline that stays with you long after the laughter fades.

His unique perspective and deadpan delivery set him apart in the world of stand-up comedy, earning him a devoted following and a legacy that lives on.

As we revisit his timeless jokes, let’s raise a toast to Mitch Hedberg, a comedic mastermind whose humor continues to bring joy and laughter to all who hear it.

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